A life- radio interview with Echo or Moscow in St Petersburg 2017
Personal Reflections on Dyslexia and Asperger's
within the profession
An inspiring demonstration of creativity, a student group work exhibition. Students enhanced the sensory experience with video clips and sound to fully immerse you in the atmosphere. The room was filled with effective lighting, a wide variety of pictures, posters, models, objects, artifacts and sound, the latter at high volume.
Unfortunately I stepped in the room unprepared. The sound (experienced as noise) threw my nervous system completely out of balance, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking and tears. I almost collapsed. The day after, I can still feel the aftershock. One would not expect such a reaction from seasoned architect and design tutor. I feel vulnerable, hurt and thin-skinned.
This is a recent personal experience to illustrate one aspect of the topic. Sensory overload through sound, light, colours and crowds can cause an uncontrolled reaction. I am diagnosed with dyslexia and Asperger's (high-functioning autism) and suffer from misophonia (hypersensitivity to sound). It is challenging for me to write about this topic, but I should share my experiences to grow awareness and help others.
I am concerned, that despite all the mental health awareness days and diversity and inclusion policies, disclosing neurodiverse conditions could lead to exclusion rather than inclusion.
An informal interview for a lecturer position went very well, up until the point where I mentioned dyslexia. I sensed a change in the interviewers attitude. Maybe just a subjective observation? On request I did not receive feedback.
Sometimes sarcastic comments are made 'odd' students, students who might work hard but struggle to adhere to a narrow brief, students who struggle to work in a crowded studio or in a tightly packed seminar. This worries me. I am not blaming the ones who make these comments, it just evidences a lack of awareness and empathy.
Public Perception: Super Powers?
Often when neurodivergent conditions are discussed publicly, a long list of successful celebrities is named: Richard Rogers, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Greta Thunberg or Chris Packham, it can sound as if you have an advantage being neurodivergent. In a BBC interview Greta Thunberg called hers a ‘secret weapon’.
My experience differs, maybe because I was diagnosed late or maybe because it is in fact more challenging to make a successful professional career.
Retrospective
When I went to school in the late sixties and seventies dyslexia was regarded as a lack of discipline, concentration or intelligence. If you couldn’t’ spell correctly, you were simply just dump. High Function Autism was unknown to teaching staff at the time. If you didn't fit into classes' group dynamics, you quickly became a bullied outsider. Some teacher might have been more emphatic and understanding than others, but generally there was no awareness and little understanding at the time. Being classified by teachers as 'not normal', 'a prayer request', as difficult or unruly led to stigmatisation within the class, and to traumatic memories. Thankfully there is much more awareness and less stigma as in my childhood, where my difficulties with spelling and social acceptance led to many traumatic experiences in school.
What makes the difference?
It is important to note that the typical difficulties are most pronounced in childhood and early adolescence and diminish in adulthood as coping strategies become more developed.
What distinguishes the neurotypical who occasionally may experience similar experiences is that for the neurodiverse these difficulties are 'substantial' and 'long-term', they are disabling physiological and psychological limitations (Equality Act 2010).
Under certain circumstances, a neurodiverse person can be severely disadvantaged, unable to perform, even to the point of harm. Personally, I wouldn't call myself a disabled person, but in certain circumstances I have to admit that I am.
Positives
But what differences, advantages and disadvantages do I recognise in comparison to neurotypical colleagues in hindsight of decades in architecture and architecture education? Appreciating that neurodivergence is a spectrum condition, means the individual experience of neurodiverse individuals varies considerably, and that many neurotypical colleagues at times may experience similar challenges.
What I have personally found to be an advantage is creativity. On average, I find solutions quicker, especially spatial architectural solutions, and engage with design quicker. Hence, throughout my career I have received praise for my design talent, for formulating design solutions, for my ability to think about design, my capacity as a consultant and teacher.
There is a relentless fascination with certain topics, bestowing the tenacity overcome obstacles and impossibilities. A somewhat of a mixed blessing, as these fascinations can be a great distraction and irritating for others. In tendency I am struggling to accept praise, rather suspect myself of being an imposter.
Competition and Precision
Despite good interpersonal skills, I struggled throughout my career with effective self-promotion and competitiveness, a major disadvantage in a highly competitive professional environment.
A subtle dyslexia related disadvantage was inconsistencies in precision, which literally were very costly. "God is in the Details" Mies' mantra I want agree with. Quality in design can be measured by the quality and attention to detail. Despite having a good eye for detail and a love for designing details, I might overlook a little but crucial details. I am painfully aware of the requirement for precision, yet on my own I struggled to achieve it. Being aware of this imperfection from childhood, I might have too much empathy for others’ imperfections. Not helpful if you supposed to be pedantic with contractors and craftsman on site. But helpful in dealing with colleagues and students in the neurodiverse spectrum.
Social Engagement
Whilst I can claim to be reasonably tactful and emphatic, light-hearted conversation is not in my repertoire. Even a small talk needs a relevant topic, means conversations can appear more like updates or topical elucidations. My collegial-social capacity is limited, means I rather prefer a walk in the park or a quiet of site location for the lunch break. A necessity to maintain sufficient energy for professional social interaction.
Prolonged social interaction can lead to complete exhaustion.
Far from ideal as social networking is quintessential in the profession. Noise and loud, rhythmic music are unbearable, as is lighthearted chatter. The former can lead to an uncontrolled reaction, even a mental and physical breakdown, the latter to a headache.
Yet, I might comprehensively elaborate on my favourite topics. I might try to steer a conversation towards these topics, and I always aim to reach a meaningful conclusion, possibly giving others a headache. Listening to my elaborations requires some patience. Some in the audience might think I am "going off on a tangent". Commonly this is not true. I always aim to close the circle, to reach a relevant topic-related outcome.
Crowded gatherings, packed meetings, public transport, background music in stores, pubs or bars are some of the daily sensory challenges. I always look for a quick escape route. Eardefenders are essential, as is natural light. I require a clear definition of my own space, and the freedom to retreat. Solitude and silence are essential for me to get by.
"Words don't come easy"
As for dyslexia, I am an avid reader but struggle with correct spelling. When students try to spell a word that I supposed to write on the white board my mind goes blank and my heart rate quickens, beads of sweat appear on my forehead. Promotional photos of me lecturing, I spot half-finished or misspelled words. In public I am unable to write what is spelled, to write correctly.
Generally, as long as the word visually reassembles the actual word, I'm content, which means my writing can be littered with word fragments, particaurly when I am stressed. Writing slowly in seclusion alleviates this problem. I still feel that I should be able to write properly, especially in public and as a lecturer.
Reading academic literature and research papers can be very challenging. If I cannot recognise an immediate relevance, an applicable meaning, I struggle to take in the content, becoming slow and ineffective, reading becoming a slog.
In longer meetings I need to maintain physically active, means I must sketch or draw something, which helps me to maintain focus and to listen. I enjoy writing by hand though, especially short articles, formulating my personal insights and experiences. I have been keeping a diary for several years. Keeping a diary is in my experience extremely therapeutic.
Neurodiverse Hybrid
Being both dyslexic and HFA, means being a ' broad brush' specialist with a limited capacity for precision, a generalist stickler who can get absorbed in maelstrom of reasoning’. “Two souls dwell, alas! in my chest; One wants to separate from the other” (Goethe’s Faust).
Admittedly I appreciate the plus sides: Spatial imagination, thinking in spaces and atmospheres, the long-winded mind-journeys, the self-sufficiency of my mind-cosmos, the ideas and gleaned insights, the autonomy of my inner world.
It is most rewarding when I am able to communicate and share my insights and experiences and when this leads to relevant positive changes. When students and colleagues tell me they gained something from what I shared.
Super Powers or rather not?
In summary, the notion that HFA, dyslexia, or any other neurodivergence may be an advantage is in my view misleading.
On the positive there are some useful special traits, yet they are often outweighed by the negatives, the difficulties one faces.
In certain areas and under certain circumstances, you may lack control, be overwhelmed by sensory experiences, or feel disabled.
In my view it remains a lifelong challenge to fit in, to be accepted, to have the same opportunities as the neurotypical majority and to overcome the feeling of not being good enough.
Anxiety, depression and mental breakdowns are more likely, can occur suddenly, yet mostly unnoticed by others.
More than Neurodivergent
My advice to anyone on the spectrum, or at the edge of the spectrum, accept and enjoy who and what you are, including your exceptional qualities but also your imperfection. Neurodivergence is just one facet, not the sum of who you are. It is not a pigeonhole. Play to your strength, means utilise and exploit your exceptional talents. Early diagnosis of neurodiversity can be very beneficial.
I would recommend that anyone who suspects neurodivergent condition seek professional diagnosis. It simply helps dealing with yourself and helps others understand you better, preventing misunderstanding and wrong decisions making.
In my opinion there is still a long way to go until there is true equal opportunities and inclusivity for people within the neurodivergent spectrum, at least in my field as a lecturer and educator in architecture.
I am very interested in your experiences and opinions on this topic!
Disclaimer: This is a personal reflection is based on my personal observations and experience and might differ considerably from others who are diagnosed. The use of terms and the description of traits may not be academically correct.
My aim is not to offend, blame or diagnose anyone, but to grow awareness and supporting others within the spectrum.
I consciously excluded any private and family related aspects .
I am very grateful for my families support.